Got the Money Anyway
(A Comic Piece for the CCTV Spring Festival Gala 2009)
Play script by Cui Kai et al.
Characters
Uncle Zhao, acted by Zhao Benshan
Shenyang, acted by Shen He
CCTV Man, acted by Bi Fujian
Yadar, acted by Wang Jinfeng (Mao Mao)
小品：“不差錢”
（2009年中央電視臺春節聯歡晚會節目）
編創者 崔凱 等
表演者 趙本山、沈鶴、畢福劍、王金鳳（毛毛）
（舞臺上是一個餐廳的背景，寫著：“蘇格蘭情調”。本山大叔穿著中山裝，身上背著一串蒜頭，手上拿著野雞，拉著毛毛上場。）
(This short play is set in a restaurant named "Scottish Taste / Feel." Uncle Zhao, in his customary Chinese tunic suit, enters, carrying a string of garlic on his back and a pheasant in hand, with his granddaughter Yadar in tow.)
趙本山：到了。
毛毛： 到了。
趙本山：這就是鐵嶺最貴的一家飯店。這不，蘇格蘭調情（tiáo qíng）。
毛毛： 爺爺，你念反了，蘇格蘭情調（qíng diào）。
趙本山：啊，情調？就擱這兒吃。
毛毛： 爺爺，這家老貴的啦。
趙本山：貴？咱帶錢了，帶三萬多塊，那包呢？
毛毛： 我沒拿包啊。
趙本山：裝錢那包，黃包。
毛毛： 完了，讓我落炕上了。
趙本山：我說，你這孩子還能辦點事嗎？！這給你辦事，落炕上了還。兜里還有錢嗎？
毛毛： 兜里，多少錢哪才？才70多塊錢。
趙本山：我還有400。行，夠了。
毛毛： 這也不能夠啊。
趙本山：哎呀，夠不夠就這樣了。服務員！
Uncle Zhao Here we are.
Yadar Here we are.
Uncle Zhao It's the most pricy eatin' spot in Tieling: "Scottish Tease / Fool."
Yadar You got it wrong - Scottish taste / feel, not tease / fool.
Uncle Zhao All right, taste / feel. We're gonna have our meal here anyway.
Yadar But it's very expensive.
Uncle Zhao So whut? We've got the money, 30,000 yuan. Where's the bag?
Yadar What bag?
Uncle Zhao The yellow one with the money in it.
Yadar Oh no, I left it on the brick bed.
Uncle Zhao So whut can you do at all? I'm goin' t'rough all this for you and you had the nerve to forget the bag on the bed! Any money left on you?
Yadar Let me see... (Fumbling) only 70-plus yuan.
Uncle Zhao Here's 400 more.
Yadar Still not enough.
Uncle Zhao No matter. Waiter!
（小沈陽上）
小沈陽：對不起大爺，我們這是高檔酒店，不收農副產品。
趙本山：不是，我們是吃飯的。
小沈陽：媽呀，吃飯的？
趙本山：不像��？
小沈陽：不太像。
趙本山：我說姑娘啊，這頓飯非常重要。
小沈陽：媽呀，你管誰叫姑娘呢，人家是純爺們。
趙本山：咋這么個打扮，還穿個裙子呢。
小沈陽：這是按我們蘇格蘭風格來包裝的。再說也不是裙子啊，這不七分褲嗎。你看，是有腿的哦。媽呀，著急穿跑偏了。媽呀，我說走道咋沒有襠呢。
趙本山：行了，那條腿留明兒個穿，哈哈哈。小伙子我跟你說呀，今天我要請一位重要客人吃飯，你一定要招待好。
小沈陽：呃，沒問題。
趙本山：來來來，我問問你，你們這個酒店，如果要急頭白臉吃一頓，得多少錢？
小沈陽：咋還吃急眼了呢？
趙本山：我意思就是，最貴的都點上。
小沈陽：得一、兩萬的。
趙本山：一、兩萬？啊，那啥，有沒有這種情況，今兒個吃完了，明兒個來結賬？
(Shenyang, the waiter, enters.)
Shenyang Sorry, sir. We're of high class here. We don't take on stuff from street peddlers.
Uncle Zhao We're your customers. Don't we look like it?
Shenyang Not quite.
Uncle Zhao We're gonna have an important meal here, miss.
Shenyang Don't you call me a miss. I'm a man - from the inside out.
Uncle Zhao Then how c'me you wearin' a skirt?
Shenyang Why, it's men's wear in Scottish style. See, it's no skirt but Capri pants. Look at this, look. Oh, damn it, I didn't get into one of the trousers in a hurry. No wonder I feel different while walking.
Uncle Zhao Leave that trouser for tomorrow, hah! I tell you, boy, we're gonna have a damn' important guest here in a minute. You should do you' best.
Shenyang No problem.
Uncle Zhao How much does a meal cost here if we get at it like mad?
Shenyang Why so / What's wrong?
Uncle Zhao I mean if we order nothin' but the best.
Shenyang About 10,000 to 20,000.
Uncle Zhao Whut if s'mebody eats today and pays tomorrow?
小沈陽：打白條兒��？
趙本山：不是啊，不是打白條，不差錢，有錢。喏。
小沈陽：啥意思？
趙本山：小費。
小沈陽：媽呀，大爺你真敞亮，你太帥了。
趙本山：給一百塊錢還帥呢。我跟你說這不白給啊。一會兒客人到了，你一定要給足我面子，明白嗎？我到點菜的時候，你得替我兜著點。
小沈陽：咋兜呢？
趙本山：既把面子給了，但是呢又不能花得......太狠。我要點貴菜......
小沈陽：我就說沒有唄。
趙本山：哎呀媽呀，你太厲害了。來來來，拿點。再給你30，來。
小沈陽：我跟你都明碼的哦。
趙本山：謝謝。
小沈陽：放心吧。
毛毛： 爺爺，我有點餓了。
趙本山：餓了？來碗面條。
小沈陽：呃，78一碗。
趙本山：啥面？這么貴。
小沈陽：蘇格蘭打鹵面。
趙本山：是不是鹵子貴？
小沈陽：鹵不要錢。
趙本山：那就來碗鹵子，先嘗嘗咸淡�？烊�，快去。
小沈陽：媽呀，沒這么上過呀。
趙本山：那是我沒來，我要來，你早就這么上了。去吧去吧。
小沈陽：這老爺子，我要說面條不要錢，要面條了你還。
Shenyang You'll give me an IOU?
Uncle Zhao Not that. I've got the money anyway. Take this.
Shenyang What's it?
Uncle Zhao A tip for you.
Shenyang You do understand people / things / the world, sir - you look cool!
Uncle Zhao Whut's a hundred yuan to me! Still, you ain't get it for nothin'. When my guest c'mes, you put on a show with me. If I order expensive food, you should stop me doin' so.
Shenyang Like how?
Uncle Zhao Showin' due respect for my guest, yes. Spendin' too much on a meal, no. Whut if I ask for somethin' dear?
Shenyang I'll say "sorry, this we don't have."
Uncle Zhao You're smart. C'me, here's another 30 yuan.
Shenyang I'm not gonna cheat you when it comes to prices.
Uncle Zhao Thank you, boy.
Shenyang Nothing much.
Yadar Grandpa, I'm hungry.
Uncle Zhao How much's a bowl of noodles?
Shenyang 78 yuan.
Uncle Zhao Whut noodles can be so expensive?
Shenyang Scottish sauced noodles.
Uncle Zhao Does the sauce cost much, too?
Shenyang It's free.
Uncle Zhao Get us a bowl of sauce, so we can see whether the taste's right. Quick.
Shenyang That's no way to serve a meal, sir.
Uncle Zhao You think so only becuse I didn't show up here before. Now it's time to make s'me change.
Shenyang (to himself) Had I said the noodles are free, he would've asked for noodles. (Exits)